Haha. Sorry, that was me being slightly facetious. Anyways, don't be harsh. I'm pretty sure I'll be back to my bubbly, light hearted self tomorrow, but tonight, I need to vent a little. So, here we go:
From the moment the decision to stay was made, I felt one overwhelming emotion: relief. Relief that we were not going to pay a ridiculous amount of money to live in underwhelming conditions, relief that I would not be moving thousands of miles away from my family and friends, relief that I got to hold on to the familiar, the comfortable. But as the weeks have moved on, the relief has faded, leaving behind a bitter aftertaste of uncertainty. I had a set path, a plan, a goal that I was working towards when California was in the forecast. Although I was a little nervous about the unknown, and very unsettled about the costs, I had a purpose. And now, I’m disoriented, set adrift from my steady, albeit treacherous, course. The sense of accomplishment that accompanied graduation has suddenly derailed as I realize that I’m still almost as unqualified for the job that I’m seeking as I was when I started. I still have so much further to go, and the way to get there has suddenly hit a dead end. I have to turn around, make my way back, take a different fork, and start applying for Master’s/Doctoral programs for next year.
Pray for me, guys. This lost feeling is much worse than the nervousness I felt about LA. Finding a steady footing on a wall of ifs seems impossible. But although the competent, capable feelings of a college graduate did not come in the mail with my college diploma, as I expected, this ambiguity will pass. The hubs is taking the MCAT in the fall, and we’re both applying to graduate schools this winter. I know that with these steps will come some certainty, and I will be able to evict this unsettled feeling from the pit of my stomach.
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